Porn Church November 17, 2008

We tried out another church today, and it was, unfortunately, another failure.

My friend Bryan has been telling me that he and his wife Natalie had heard about a church in the area that is pretty young and welcoming.  After weeks of not going, we finally decided that this week would be a perfect chance for the four of us to go try out the church together.  We went today, even though we’d seen on the church’s website that they’re currently in the middle of a sermon series on sex, and we worried that people might think we were visiting specifically for the sex sermon.  I was also worried about having seen Focus on the Family on their links list, but Chalupa reminded me that not EVERYTHING Focus does is evil and sexist, and I admitted that MAYBE there are one or two things that keep them from being 100% evil.  (98% is more like it.)

As soon as we got out of our cars, we could see people in the doorway to the church eyeing us.  “NEW PEOPLE!” we could imagine them saying.  “QUICK!  PLACES, EVERYONE!  NEW PEOPLE ARE COMING!”

We were greeted enthusiastically by the woman at the door, and then the second woman at the door, who gave us visitors’ packets.  The church was small, with about 150 chairs.  To our group’s horror, we realized that if we were going to sit together, we’d have to sit in the front row.  None of us are front row people when it comes to new surroundings.  Even though we were off to the side as far as we could get, we were right there up front.  When we stood for worship, Chalupa was just as close to the singers as he was to me.  Tight fit.

The only thing I leaned over to whisper to Chalupa during worship was, “How long before the worship leader auditions for American Idol?”

The sex sermon turned out not to be just a sermon about sex, but more specifically, pornography.  I found it interesting that after five sermons on the topic of human sexuality, the one to end on would be porn.  I was not surprised, though, to hear the pastor decry Zack & Miri Make a Porno, which is pretty dirty but also pretty great.  (It was our theater pick for November, actually, and we saw it on our anniversary.)  I will admit that the movie probably wouldn’t suit everyone’s tastes.

The sermon went on, and the pastor switched back and forth between pronouncing the Greek porneia as “porn-ay-ah” and “porn-ee-ah,” of saying one and then the other, not sure which one to use.  He seemed very well-intentioned.  The congregation spoke back to him often, like when he made the point that pornography doesn’t have to just be what’s blatant, but that what’s on Primetime TV is also porn.  (His point, not mine, obviously.)  “You may think, ‘Primetime TV’s not so bad, right?’”  As he rolled his eyes, the congregation guffawed back.

“Have you seen Family Guy?” shouted a churchmember.

“IT SHOULD BE BANNED!” shouted another.

The four of us in the front row tried not to laugh.

It was also hard not to laugh when the pastor continually used references to the dangers of playing with snakes to make his point that porn is dangerous.

My guess is that this church has a really strong community built up.  The people were genuinely welcoming, and if I were the type of person who could easily group television with pornography, I would probably find it easier to attend on a regular basis.  I know this post is a little harsh, but I really do think that, once again, this church is good for some people but not for me.

As the service ended, and after numerous references to, “If you’re new here,” even though it was obvious that we were the new people, we stood and started to put on our coats.  Between us and the door we’d come in was a crowd of people, including some that were staring straight at us.  We anticipated questions about how the service was and follow-up questions to the ones we’d answered before the service: yes, we knew the sermon series was about sex.  No, it didn’t make us uncomfortable.  No, it wasn’t shocking.

But then I pointed out what I had noticed early on in the service.  Right next to the stage — and therefore, right next to where we were — was a side exit.  We looked at it longingly, realizing it was our chance to escape without answering the awkward questions.  Had we planned on returning another week, the conversation would have been welcome.  Having had our fill, we needed to get out fast.

I was the one who gathered up enough courage to try the door.  It was unlocked!  And it didn’t go into a maze of hallways — it went right outside!  To the parking lot!

And so, in spite of the stares of the official congregational greeters, we escaped out the side lot, made it to the car, and immediately started making jokes about porn.

Then we went back to our apartment, fried up some scotch eggs, and enjoyed what would have been called by the church “some good Christian fellowship.”

With hardly any swear words.