Kids like to put you on the spot, don’t they? With their terribly-timed questions about sex and the appearance of strangers and that thing you had no idea they’d heard, let alone would be repeating, they are ticking time bombs of awkwardness.
No matter how hard I try to make my home a body-positive environment, I dread the day that Ruthie says something negative about weight or fatness. I don’t know whether she will say something about her body or someone else’s, but I know it’s going to happen. Twice in the past two days I’ve seen people on Facebook talking about kids being involved in discussions about fatness. In one, a child warned his parent that something the parent was doing would “make you fat,” and in the other, a child celebrating ice cream was told by an adult, “Don’t eat too much or you’ll get fat.”
If I were the parent of the first kid, I think I’d probably say, “And there’s nothing wrong with being fat.”
If I were the parent of the second kid, I’d be tempted to punch the adult who told her that. Who does that guy think he is, anyway? Greg Kinnear in Little Miss Sunshine? You know how people felt about Greg Kinnear in Little Miss Sunshine when he told Olive that ice cream would make her fat? They HATED him. Why? Because it was so obviously damaging to that child to hear her father send her the message that she needed to start exercising control over her body, EVEN THOUGH SHE IS JUST A LITTLE GIRL. Because he was shaming his own daughter based on her food choices! Because he was a jerk.
Little girls don’t need adults to help them develop an unhealthy, guilt-based relationship with food. They already hear the “you should be skinny” message loud and clear from a million different sources: every magazine in the grocery store checkout lane, every Disney movie, every slimmed down My Little Pony, every weight loss ad that airs in January, every person who refers to eating something fatty as “being bad,” every comedian who makes a cheap joke about being fat, every movie where the fat girl is relegated to the supporting role. They need adults to actively break down those associations and build new ones, not just make things worse.
So how will I address this when it comes up? I want to develop the vocabulary in advance, if I can. I want to anticipate her comments and know what to say. If you have dealt with conversations like this, what have you said that worked toward helping your children develop a healthy view of their bodies and the bodies around them, rather than a skewed, weight-based, shameful one? Is there something you wish you had done differently?
Tagged: bodies, fat acceptance, parenting
I find “all bodies are different” to be a really useful phrase when my 4 year old comments on anything that strikes her as “other.”
Short, effective, and avoids making a value statement that a kid has to interpret. I like it. Thanks!
This is a big subject for me Liz. Our family is not naturally skinny as you know. We strive to live a healthy lifestyle with healthy food choices (as few processed food items as possible) and some treats along the way. I know I have made mistakes about saying if you keep eating that kind of stuff you will not be healthy and your body won’t feel good. Out of exasperation when they won’t stop asking for Dunkin’ Donuts, I have even said (ugh) it will make you fat. For me quite honestly, being fat doesn’t feel good. I am sluggish and I can’t bend easily. I was told as a child “that will make you fat”, etc. And it has played into my unhealthy body image, sending myself not great messages about my fat. My hope for my children is to instill a better self image ( I think we’re getting there) of striving for health and strength. We encourage lots of play and activity, but we also love our movies. It’s a hard balance with the media and t.v. shows I know, but lots of conversations have helped, and focusing on balance and moderation. It’s okay to have that yummy ice cream cone. It’s great to savor it and enjoy it. But a couple a week are good, not everyday, in my opinion.
There are a lot of issues with rising health costs too, that I believe are related to our country’s population becoming increasingly obese. I will not go on and on here, but on the whole, I am not sure I am at “Fat acceptance”. At least not for myself.
I like Rachel’s comment too! I have used that in the past to help Kate understand why some her friends are stick thin and we are thicker people.
Megan, thank you for commenting! I wanted to reply earlier but had a weird day that involved trying to chase down a wild goose (that’s not a euphemism–I really tried to chase down a wild goose) and then babysitting for some friends.
Anyway, I think your experiences are like so many other people’s. Although weight wasn’t really discussed in my house at all growing up, I still heard all the same messages that you heard and internalized the things so many other women do about their bodies.
As far as you and your kids, I’m willing to bet that being aware of the importance of body image is half of the battle, if you want to call it a battle! I think actively working toward helping them love their own bodies is important.
My thoughts on national obesity and health costs are complicated, but they come down to the fact that it doesn’t seem like being fat doesn’t necessarily mean a person is unhealthy, and more and more evidence is proving that it isn’t anything a person can control. Individuals can sometimes lose weight, but statistically, no one keeps weight off–not even the most motivated/diligent. It doesn’t seem to be personal failure, but rather our bodies. Plenty of people who are heavy are really healthy. (Check out http://www.danceswithfat.com for some great essays/posts about this idea.) Anyway, while there may be costs associated with obesity and weight, I don’t think those should be grouped in with other lifestyle-related costs. I’d put the costs of obesity much more in line with the costs of things that can’t really be realistically avoided, like most cancers or MS or ALS or CF or other diseases that people just get because they’re unlucky.
A healthy person, whether fat or thin, is probably going to need fewer healthcare dollars spent on them in their lifetime, so I’d rather focus on health than weight, you know? Eating well is important, but some people are going to eat well and still be fat. Instead of discouraging them from eating well because they’re still fat (“What’s the point if I’m just going to stay fat?” would be a troubling attitude), I think we should encourage people to be healthy no matter what size they are.
Anyway, thanks for chiming in. I like the idea of moving toward fat acceptance for myself, too. I’m not as far along on that journey as I’d like to be, but I’m working on it.