Ruthie is three.
She is a healthy toddler. Her brain is perfect–a neurologist confirmed that in 2012 when she was exhibiting some strange growth patterns that needed to be checked out. She is funny and incredibly smart and is absurdly flexible. She is a remarkably fun little kid who loves reading, her dollhouse, donuts from Concannon’s Bakery, her daycare teachers, her grandma’s dog Harley, and apples. I’ve never seen anyone who loves apples as much as this kid does.
I want desperately for Ruthie to continue to grow up happy and healthy and loved.
Ruthie & Me on the train
And I don’t care–not one bit–whether she gets fat.
About a year ago, a mother named Dara-Lynn Weiss wrote in Vogue and later published a book about the process of putting her 7-year-old daughter on a diet. Weiss was both praised and villainized–perhaps slightly more villainized than praised. People responded so strongly for and against her because of the way she approached her daughter’s weight. To most people who became familiar with Weiss’s story, it became clear that it Weiss was the one who had a problem with food, not her daughter, who was far too young to internalize anything from this experience except for “food is bad, and you are bad for wanting it.”
Dara-Lynn Weiss; photo from NYMag.com
I don’t want to go into the details of folks’ totally insightful criticism of Weiss’s methods or belief system. I don’t even want to get into the discussion of childhood obesity and what should be done to ensure our children are healthy. What I want to do with this blog post is emphasize one thing: I don’t care if Ruthie grows up to be fat.
I just don’t. I refuse to.
Here’s why.
1) Fat does not equal unhealthy. Let me link to that Kate Harding article in this next sentence, too, just to try to get you to go read it. Seriously. Here it is again. Eating horrible food and sitting around all the time is unhealthy, but that’s not what causes people to be fat. Plenty of thin folks do the same thing, and their health is more at risk than a healthy fat person’s. I definitely hope Ruthie doesn’t choose to sit around all the time and eat junk food constantly (although I’ll still love her if she does). But weight is not an indicator of someone who eats poorly and doesn’t exercise–HEALTH is an indicator of those things, no matter a person’s size. I’m going to hope that my daughter continues to be as healthy as she is as a three year old, and that I can help her learn to make good choices about eating delicious, nutrient-rich, natural foods and getting plenty of exercise, but I’m not going to tie that to an arbitrary number on a scale.
2) My thin friends seem no less likely to struggle with body image issues than my fat ones. It’s not like there is some magical transformation that happens when a person is under XX pounds and suddenly all of their insecurities disappear. I think back to Meghan’s post, which I wrote about last week. She expressed how her body insecurities have been basically the same no matter where she has been on a 100-pound spectrum of weight gain and loss. Let me emphasize this: being thin doesn’t mean loving your body, and being fat doesn’t mean hating it. Hoping that Ruthie doesn’t get fat doesn’t mean the same as hoping she loves her body for the amazing thing that it is.
Seriously, her body is incredible. Her heart pumps blood. Her lungs oxygenate that blood. Her fingernails and toenails grow and her hair is thick and the synapses in her brain are doing these unbelievable miracles 24 hours a day that help her develop language and reasoning skills and spacial recognition and so much more. She can feel pain and build muscle and grow. Her tiny little bones are strong enough to support her body, and she can twist and curl and bounce and hop. All of our bodies are these amazing things, even when they don’t work perfectly, and I want her to be excited about the fact that she has a body that transports her from place to place so that she can interact with the world and with people in a vivid and intense way. That’s what our bodies are for–to take us into and help us experience the world–and that’s why we should celebrate them. They also happen to be really beautiful. If I can help instill into her the kind of love and respect for her body that I have for mine, she’ll have a better chance of having a healthy attitude toward that body, no matter what she weighs.
3) I’m a bit fat and also pretty happy. There are some inconveniences to my current size–I can’t shop in the juniors section at Target anymore, and some jerks on the internet make me feel bad when they criticize the bodies of women who are far smaller than me, but otherwise, there’s nothing all that bad about being fat. I’m healthy, I travel, I’m active, I have great clothes, I love my hair and my waist, I can keep up in conversations with really smart people (most of the time), I’m in love with Chalupa, and the list goes on. Life is pretty good for this fatty, so I’m okay with hoping Ruthie ends up as happy as I am. It’s possible to be happy and fat, and that’s really what I care about when it comes to Ruthie: her happiness. Weight doesn’t really play a part in my day-to-day life, and I’d rather it not for her, too.
4) I’ve seen what happens when people’s mothers intensively scrutinize their daughters’ weight. I’ve seen the damage inflicted on my friends by their well-intentioned mothers, who push their own disordered eating or body hatred onto their children without even realizing it. I know what happens when a young girl’s mother makes casual, hurtful warnings about not getting fat. Her daughter remembers. Her daughter internalizes. Her daughter begins to think that there is something wrong with her, and that she must control the things she eats in order to be a good person. Her daughter assigns morality and worth to calories that never should be assigned. My mother didn’t do that to me, and I will not do that to Ruthie. I will do my best to contradict the messages that this screwed up world sends to her about her body, and I will certainly never allow myself to contribute to anything that could make her hate her body or feel that her body must look a certain way in order for her to be loveable.
5) I refuse to buy into the idea that a person’s worth is dependent upon a number. Any number. For far too long, women have been judged based on whether or not their body meets society’s determined factors for attractiveness. I won’t accept that. I don’t believe that Ruthie’s worth as a person is determined by or affected by: her BMI number, the number of chin-ups she can do in gym class, the results of some future pulmonary function test, her SAT score, the number of colleges she gets into, the number of kids she chooses to have or not to have, the amount of money she gets from her first paycheck or her final one, the pounds she can bench press, or the number of movies she has on her shelves. If none of those things make a difference in the way that I love and value my daughter as a person, then neither will the number that shows up on a scale when she steps onto it.
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It’s almost cliché for parents to say that they just want their children to grow up to be happy. If this is true, if this is what parents really believe is important, then focusing on weight–or even quietly hoping to raise a thin child–is exactly the wrong approach to take.
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Note: On February 25, 2013, this was cross-posted to Persephone Magazine.
Tagged: fat acceptance, Ruthie, weight
Really excellent. I wish my parents had been a little more in line with your approach to this issue. Ruthie is VERY lucky.
Thank you, Tanya.
Thank you for saying this. I had/have one of these mothers. She is WONDERFUL in so many ways and continues to support and encourage me – but she had some major food issues when I was growing up that she’s just now starting to kick. There are a lot of health problems on my father’s side so I know she was worried about that, but the food policing got extreme at times, and deeply affected both me and my younger sister. To this day, I have problems eating in front of strangers and I get very self-conscious about being photographed. And the sad thing is, I don’t think my mom realized what she was doing or how damaging it was. Good for you for breaking the cycle.
Thanks for commenting, and I’m so glad you’re working on figuring out how to appreciate your body despite hearing negative messages as a kid.
You know, I think I’m lucky because my mom actually broke the cycle for me–I never got body-shamed as a kid by her, and I think that is what allows me to take this a step farther and speak out about the importance of not shaming our kids’ bodies.
I think there is a lot to be said about the correlation between parents who have their own body insecurity and parents who shame their children for weight gain. Nearly everyone I know who grew up with a mother who made life hard for them about weight also had a mother who, surprise, was constantly dieting and ragging on her own body. I wish more people would choose to take their issues, instead of projecting them onto their children, and visit a therapist to discuss them. My mother frequently told me growing up, “I just don’t want you to go what I’ve been through!” Well, I’ve been through EXACTLY what she went through, from bullying in school about my weight through rampant body insecurities, and yeah, parents who pick on you and constantly criticize you for your body. I know my mom did the best she could with the emotional and informational resources at her disposal, but the best she could do still did a fair amount of damage. I’m proud of you for not only working to keep your own body image in check (and kudos to your mom for her contributions!), but also for working to raise Ruthie in such a positive tone.
You are my hero.
You’re mine.
I have been on the receiving end of the “Don’t eat that,” from both my mother, and my grandmother. My grandmother, most memorably told me “Boys don’t want a fat princess, honey.”
How do you walk the line though? You want them to recognize the difference between healthy foods and unhealthy foods, yet not put to much focus on it (that’s a bad food, if I eat that, I am bad). At the same time, kids need some limits (15 cookies isn’t a good idea for anyone). Ugh. It’s difficult because one wrong comment could be the one thing the child remembers and hangs on to.
Haley, it really does break my heart to hear of someone being told “boys don’t want a fat princess.” I think that’s so untrue, first of all, and really hurtful on top of it.
I’m sorry you were told that.
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As far as what to do to encourage good eating habits without attaching shame to food choices, perhaps it is a matter of practicing good modeling and taking any reference to fat or weight off the table. If I am firm in my resolution to never use, “Don’t eat that or you’ll get fat,” I think I can stop myself from ever accidentally saying it.
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In the meantime, I try to use other concrete reasons to avoid the “Let’s eat 15 cookies” situation. Sugar is an easy one. We’ve talked about how too much sugar can upset our tummies, and how too much sugar can hurt our teeth. Those are concrete and factual, and so I’ve used those several times in situations where all Ruthie wants to eat are jelly beans and chocolate chip cookies. “Just the one little teacup full of jelly beans, okay? We don’t want your teeth to start hurting from too much sugar.” Or, “We don’t want to eat any more cookies right now because we don’t want to get upset tummies!”
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I also try to use structured rules like no candy before lunch time, only three pieces of candy in a day, you have to eat your whole dinner of X, Y, and Z or you can’t have any sweets.
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Mostly, though, I try to emphasize the healthiness of good food choices. We talk about how yummy carrots are, and we celebrate when she eats a great, fruits-and-veggie-heavy meal. I feel like celebrating her good choices (even when we kind of force them on her) and helping her avoid bad ones is enough for right now. I guess we’ll see how that goes as she gets older!
I really enjoyed your essay. I think its great that you are aiming to teach your daughter a healthy and realistic view of food and eating. One thing struck me though, your comment about taking her for doughnuts as a reward for good behavior. I think both doughnuts and rewards are great things. However, our tendency to link them may be what contributes to love/hate relationship with them. It teaches your daughter that “unhealthy” foods are to be earned. That mindset can facilitate behaviors like emotional eating (if I want to feel good, I should do something that feels good, doughnuts usually make me feel good because they are a reward, therefore I should have a doughnut). This is also similar to the relationship the French have with alcohol (a common item) compared to Americans (a reward item) and the tendency for either group to abuse it.
I’m not trying to tell you not to reward your daughter with a doughnut, but just wanted to bring up the point
I feel like the only one here who feels that the overweight are unhealthy. They wouldn’t be called “over” weight for nothing.
Thank you for commenting, Andrea! I think I can shed some light on “donut as reward.” I don’t know that we’ve ever given the idea that the donut is a reward because it’s an unhealthy thing, but rather because it’s such a favorite thing. I mean, this girl will do ANYTHING for a donut, so it is great motivator! “When you fill your sticker chart, we get to go to Concannon’s and get a delicious, yummy donut!” is our approach, making the experience the reward more than a sugary treat. Does that make more sense? Thank you for your input–I think you raise a wise point!
I don’t think semantics make your case very well. You’ll also notice that I didn’t use the word “overweight.” I used the word fat. Because “overweight” implies that there is a perfect weight for people–a magic number that predicts health and happiness if you can stay there. That’s simply untrue. Plenty of fat people are healthy. Plenty of skinny people aren’t.