When I posted a link to this article the other day by NYCPastor, which outlines ten types of women that Christian men shouldn’t marry, I was just trying to make my husband laugh by telling him what a terrible job he did at picking out a wife. I meet several of the qualifications for bad wives, according to NYCPastor. I didn’t realize so many of my friends would read the article and be really really mad.

I understand their anger. It’s frustrating to see such mean writing on the internet, especially when it comes from someone who is part of your own faith. (Although we Christians should probably be accustomed by now to people writing horrible things in the name of our faith.)

Anyway, I thought that while the NYCPastor has his strongly worded advice for Christian men, his list was incomplete.

Here are Ten Women Christian Men Should Definitely Not Ever Ever Marry:

 

  1. A Woman Who Doesn’t Want to Marry You. If you find that the person you want to marry does not want to marry you, then you should probably not marry her.
  2. Your Own Mom. If you find yourself sexually attracted to your mom, then you probably have Genetic Sexual Attraction (GSA) and need to see a psychologist ASAP. Do not marry your mom.
  3. This Woman Who Cut Off Her Husband’s Penis. Twice. I’m not saying it would be a sin to marry her. It just doesn’t seem like God’s ideal.
  4. A Cat. Cats are awesome, but they do not make good wives. Plus, they are animals and cannot sign a marriage license.
  5. Carla is a great cat. Carla does not want to be your wife. (Photo courtesy of Angela Staiger)

    Carla is a great cat. Carla does not want to be your wife. (Photo courtesy of Angela Staiger)


  6. Lamp. You may love lamp, but lamp does not love you back.
  7. If you are Brick Tamland, you have permission to marry Lamp. May no one ever doubt your love.

    If you are Brick Tamland, you have permission to marry Lamp. May no one ever doubt your love.


  8. A Woman Who Is Actually a Robot. Wait, was there a movie about that?
  9. Your Sworn Enemy/Anyone Who Is Actively Trying to Kill You. Murder is against the Ten Commandments, and it’s not good to marry someone who wants to break one of the Big Ten, especially when she wants you to be her victim. Please do not marry someone who has sworn to kill you.
  10. Tilda Swinton. The Bible says that you shouldn’t be unequally yoked, and Tilda Swinton has no equal.
  11. The incomparable Tilda Swinton

    The incomparable Tilda Swinton


  12. Hermione Granger. You probably think that Hermione is on this list because she is a witch who practices witchcraft. No, that’s not it at all. You should not marry Hermione Granger because she is a fictional character.
  13. Mother Teresa. You should not marry Mother Teresa for two reasons: 1) She was a nun, and 2) She has been dead since 1997.
  14. Mother Teresa, a nun who has died

    Mother Teresa, a nun who has died

 

I hope this advice is helpful. God Bless you as you try to find a woman who doesn’t fall into at least three of these categories.

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